WanderingAmylessly 2.0

I love NewsoftheWeird.com. As reported in the Tampa Tribune, two gym teachers in Pensacola, Fla., were arrested recently and charged with bribery. Their alleged crime? Police say they allowed students to avoid gym classes by paying the teachers money. They were collecting $1 per student and one teacher admitted to making at least $230. I think those students are brilliant. I'd have paid at least $5 to skip gym. In fact, I do that now. I pay $40 a month to the gym, yet rarely go. Yet another reason to make fun of Utah. Station KTVX-TV in Salt Lake City reported that a high school student who was bitten by a rattlesnake had been warned by his friend to avoid it. This student's quote? "Even though she told me not to, I picked it up anyway. I'm not too bright that way." Ya think? And another. A jewelry designer in Salt Lake City has begun offering jeweled brooches featuring brightly colored Swarovski crystals affixed to a live, 3-inch-long Madagascar hissing cockroa...

Some judge in Lincoln, Neb., should get a dumbass award. She sentenced a man to probation instead of prison for sexually assaulting a child because the man was too short. District Judge Kristine Cecava said Richard Thompson's crimes deserved a long prison sentence. However, she said, at his height he was too small to survive in prison. So how tiny was this man? Was he a dwarf? An elf? A smurf? No, ladies and gentlemen, he was 5 feet 1 inch tall. That's tall enough to ride rides at an amusement park. That's tall enough to drive a car unaided. That's only three inches shorter than me. This 50-year-old who had sexual contact with a 12-year-old should have gotten up to 10 years behind bars for his offenses, according to sentencing guidelines. Prison system officials scoffed at the notion that short guys can't hack it in the pokey. And State Sen. Ernie Chambers pointed out that "if shortness is an excuse and protection from going to prison, short people ought to rob...

'Tis the season for bridal bliss. 'Tis also the season for the accompanying reception dance. And what's a wedding reception without that most unique of all marriage celebration dance numbers: The Chicken Dance. You know the drill. Polka starts, beak-quacking hand gestures, flapping, butt shimmying, and clapping ensue. A fun time is had by all (especially if there's an open bar). What you may not know is that: 1. This oom-pah song's origins rest with a Swiss according player named Werner Thomas who wrote it, most accounts say, in the 1950s. It originally was called the Duck Dance. 2. It is NOT German or Austrian, despite the images its roll-out-the-barrel-ish feelings it might conjure up. 3. A fellow named Norm Edlebeck, who was a bandleader from Wisconsin, introduced America to the Chicken Dance on TV's PM Magazine in 1982. 4. More than 140 versions of it have been recorded worldwide, including Walt Disney Records, together making more than 40,000,000 records (o...

I don't know if Blogger readers ever noticed, but there's a link on every blog that leads to the writer's profile. And within the profile, there's a feature that generates random questions or comments such as the one that has been on mine for months: Unlike a dog, how can a turtle ever be naked? The writer is prompted to provide a response. Mine for the dog and turtle show was, "We're all naked when we expose our souls." Whatever that's supposed to mean, I'm not even sure. So I decided to update my profile's random jibberish. The feature's addictive. I clicked through 13 before I came to The One. The rejects: When you spilled the milk, did it look like the moon? Create a tagline for a new line of plastic bedsheets. If there's no "I" in team, why is there meat? You're in the grocery store with a broken cart. How will you ever be that hungry? Foxes are clever and tigers are cunning. So, what's your cat's safety schoo...

The following are just a few random thoughts regarding my new bit of healthy eating: 1. I just ate a diet peanut butter cookie that tasted like neither peanut butter nor a cookie. 2. I understand why people say eating carrots will make one see better. Yes. I see now that I really don't care for carrots. 3. If a beverage is caffeine free, sugar free and calorie free, and has the word "diet" in its name...why can't I count it as one of my eight glasses of water a day? 4. Am I going to get fired for not doing my job at work because I'm running to the bathroom 17 times a day, due to that water consumption? 5. The tofu in my prepackaged diet meal of Thai Noodles in Peanut Sauce has the texture, flavor and consistency of the hot dog slices in Spaghetti-Os with weiners. I'm sure there'll be more to come.

Wondering where to go on your summer vacation? Tired of the cultural activities of summer, such as Shakespeare in the Park, outdoor concerts and gallery walks? I found the perfect 180-degree turn for you. The Summer Redneck Games, East Dublin, Ga., July 8 I'm not making this up. Honest. Frommer's , the publisher of guidebooks and products to help budget-minded travelers since 1957, lists this as one of its unique summer activity picks from throughout the United States. Frommer's describes this event -- which started as a backlash against the 1996 Summer Games in Atlanta, as a "pearl of trailer trash spectacles." And it's celebrating its 10th anniversary! Among the activities are Mud-Pit Belly Flop, Hubcap Hurl, Bobbing for Pig's Feet, Dumpster Dive, watermelon seed-spitting, bug zapping by spitball, big-hair contest and the Armpit Serenade. There's also the O'Conee River Redneck Raft Race, which features a flotilla of homemade rafts made from rathe...

He was a congressman, a senator and a treasury secretary. He even won a Senate seat in 1970 by beating George H.W. Bush. But what I will always admire most about Lloyd Bentsen was his moment of glory during the 1988 presidential campaign. He may have been running on a ticket that got creamed in the election, but nevermind that. Democrats everywhere cheered as Bentzen, during a vice presidential debate, put somewhat-illiterate Dan Quayle in his place. (Google "Lloyd Bentsen Quotes" and you'll find 10 pages of results filled with with mentions of the moment.) Upon witnessing the dimwitted Quayle compare himself to former President John F. Kennedy, Bentsen fired back: Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy. Bentsen died of natural causes at 8:45 a.m., today, at his home in Houston, Texas.

Gibson. Williams. Couric. Could they be the next powerhouse trio of evening news? Could they be the next Jennings, Brokaw and Rather (who, now that I write that out, sounds a lot like a law firm)? ABC just announced that Charles Gibson will leave Good Morning America this summer to become the new anchor of struggling news show World News Tonight. He replaces Elizabeth Vargas, who soon will be on maternity leave and then who knows where after that. She was to be paired with Bob Woodruff at the anchor desk, but a month after the deal was announced, Woodruff got blown up in Iraq and sustained serious head injuries. Injuries from which ABC claims he's recovering nicely, thank you very much. But has anyone seen him in public? Has he done any on-camera interviews? In a news release, Woodruff supposedly called Gibson a mentor and friend, and said: "I look forward to contributing to his broadcast as soon as I am able." Now really, is that the way normal people talk? I'm think...

I think the last time I weighed what the charts said I should way was about...birth. 7lbs. 3oz. Perfectly average for a full-term baby. And then something went entirely awry. Remember Sears' "husky" size? If you don't then you never wore it. We who suffered through that remember it all too well. Elementary school, junior high, I just got chunkier and clunkier. Teenage years are awkward enough without being fat. I hated every minute. In junior high, after my doctor sat me down and basically told me I was a pig, I went on my first diet. Lost 30 lbs. Still needed to lose more. By junior year in high school, I needed to lose another 30 lbs because I was sure if I did that, some dreamy boy would ask me to prom. Second diet, second 30 lbs., lots of starvation moments, no date. The weight started returning. My first year in college...those freshman 15...I'm sure I doubled that. From that time on, I dieted, starved, binged, tried every goofy new gimmick for weight loss. A...

After all the hype, all the protests, all the buzz, I wasn't sure I'd even bother. But I did it. I saw The DaVinci Code. And my thoughts? Good, but not the best movie I've ever seen. Some nice action, engaging cinematography, solid acting. By everyone except Tom Hanks. He tried too hard. In portraying Robert Langdon as a reserved professorial type, he went too far and seemed distant and bored. I didn't buy the chemistry between him and Sophie Neveu. And he didn't look anything like I'd pictured in my mind. I think it's an example of bad casting. They wanted a big name, a box office draw. But this movie could've worked with an unknown actor. It's not like no one would've gone to see it. This book has been on the bestseller list (or many times topping it) for three years. Second in sales only to the Bible itself. I hate seeing terrific books made into mediocre movies. There have been many. Bridges of Madison County. The Horse Whisperer. Angela...

Shoot me in the head. Please. I can't take it anymore. In a late-afternoon meeting (which no one should call, by the way), I heard the following corporatespeak: Leveraging Branding Operational Excellence Marketplace Solutions Benchmarking Processing Elements Empowerment I may have blogged about this buzzword hell before. Today was an all-time low to which my colleagues have sunk. I wish I'd had one of THESE to keep me occupied. I'm living in a Dilbert cartoon. Only without the humor.

When the people talk, the U.S. Government listens. That may be a flippant takeoff on the old E.F. Hutton ads, but it's looking more and more true -- and sinister -- each day. First, government officials said that calls from America to foreign lands were being monitored in the war against terror. Then we read in USA Today that tens of millions of Americans' phone call records were given to federal officials covertly so that "patterns could be detected". Then ABC journalist Brian Ross learns from an unnamed senior federal official that he and another reporter, Richard Esposito, had had their phone calls monitored by the FBI. One FBI official even remarked that Americans should get new cell phones. I once again ask, WHAT COUNTRY ARE WE LIVING IN?! We just "liberated" Iraq so that the people can live "free" and have the same rights that we enjoy here. Iraqis, you too can "freely" live with the government monitoring you, spying on you, harassi...

Fundamentalist, polygamy-loving, child-raping ex-Run-of-the-Mill-Mormons have hit the big time. At least in the eyes of the law. Leader of the polygamist sect Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints (FLDS) and prophet to about 10,000 followers, Warren Jeffs (whose middle name is Steed, if you can believe that)has landed himself on the FBI's 10 most wanted list. He's wanted for two counts of sexual assault on a minor (one of his underaged "wives") and one count of conspiracy to commit sexual conduct with a minor (one of the underaged "wives" he wed to another freakoid horny follower). One of his occupations is listed as "private school teacher." Yeah. Wonder what he's teaching. He's also listed as accountant...which translates from the world of cults as "book cooker." If they could charge this fugitive fundamentalist with 10,000 counts of brainwashing, I'm sure they would. Interestingly, there's another leader of a group of unlawf...

I am confused. On my way to work this morning, a story on NPR caught my attention. The topic: border security. It seems that not everyone is thrilled with President Bush's latest attempt to stick his ladle in the pot and stir up trouble. Here's the gist. Mexico's president Vincente Fox calls up Bush and says whoa, you're really proposing putting National Guard units along the border? Bush says, it's to protect the American people from terrorists. Or undocumented motel-room cleaners. Or whatever. Fox says, that's not a good thing. What are you doing? Militarization of your borders? And Bush insists he's not militarizing the border. Just putting National Guard troops there. Ok. Nevermind that the National Guard troops have been jacked around since this Iraq war started, being taken from their families and shipped to a place where they get shot at and blown up and killed. Nevermind that they have been stretched so thin, if we actually had an emergency in the U....

I just read a story that made me think, perhaps, someone "up there" has grown quite tired of the family's escapades... Plane carrying Sen. Kennedy struck by lightning BOSTON, Massachusetts (AP) -- A plane carrying U.S. Sen. Edward M. Kennedy from western Massachusetts to his home on the coast was struck by lightning and had to be diverted to New Haven, Connecticut, his spokeswoman said.

Not like I'm counting or anything. Or dancing in the streets or planning the next inaugural celebration during which the Democratic Party will make its glorious return to the White House (as it should be. always.), or any of that. I'm merely noting the news headline. WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President George W. Bush's job approval rating has hit a new low, with 29 percent of the U.S. public saying he is doing an "excellent or pretty good job," down from 35 percent in April, according to a Harris Interactive poll in The Wall Street Journal Online.

The trivia was fun. But the most amazing thing I've experienced related to Mother's Day was opening a card from my H-man last May. My husband made it, including a photograph of me with my son at a parade. He also included a famous quote. I'd never heard it before, but I'll never forget it now. Life began with waking up and loving my mother's face. -- George Eliot

I did a little quick research on tomorrow's holiday. Here are the highlights: -- The earliest Mother's Day celebrations can be traced back to the spring celebrations of ancient Greece in honor of Rhea, the Mother of the Gods. -- During the 1600s, England celebrated a day called "Mothering Sunday" on the 4th Sunday of Lent. -- In the United States Mother's Day was first suggested in 1872 by Julia Ward Howe (who wrote the words to the Battle Hymn of the Republic) as a day dedicated to peace. -- In 1907 Ana Jarvis, from Philadelphia, began a campaign to establish a national Mother's Day and by 1911 Mother's Day was celebrated in almost every state. -- President Woodrow Wilson, in 1914, made the official announcement proclaiming Mother's Day as a national holiday that was to be held each year on the 2nd Sunday of May.

Former President Bill Clinton, an accomplished speaker, has given commencement addresses at such prestigious institutions as the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Cornell University, Columbia University, Notre Dame and Dartmouth College. Today, the current President of the United States (with an all-time-low 31 percent approval rating, I might add), George W. Bush, has the distinction of becoming the first sitting president to give a commencement speech at a junior college. Mississippi Gulf Coast Community College. Just have two thoughts: 1. Was that the only institution that would have him? 2. I wonder who their first choice was.

I'm not here to bash men. I'm not here to bash the system. I'm merely here to point out that I'm worth a lot more in theory than in reality. Or is it reality than in theory? A story in the Boston Globe recently revealed findings of a study by Massachusetts-based company Salary.com. According to that study, a mother who works outside the home would earn an extra $85,876 a year on top of her actual wages for the work she does at home. And a full-time stay-at-home mom would earn a whopping $134,121 a year if paid for all her work, which the paper pointed out is an amount similar to a top U.S. ad executive, a marketing director or a judge. To find these rather shocking numbers, the survey determined the earning power of the 10 jobs respondents said most closely make up Mom's role in the household: -- Housekeeper -- Day-care teacher -- Cook -- Computer operator -- Laundry machine operator -- Janitor -- Facilities manager -- Van driver -- Chief executive -- Psychologist I...