WanderingAmylessly 2.0

Name 5 places you'd like to live 1. Iowa City: I love it here. Great schools, fantastic cultural events, good friends...who could ask for more. 2. St. Louis: Having my kid grow up close to grandparents would be wonderful. I've also loved the cultural vibe of the city ever since I interned at the paper there in the mid-'90s. Question is...would my inlaws and I still be speaking to each other if we lived that close?? (I'd say the same thing about my own parents, too...but I don't want to live near them because if I had to live in Kansas again, I would cry. A lot. There's no way I'd send my kid to school in a state that doesn't want to teach evolution, for criminy sake.) 3. Monterey, Calif.: Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Too bad the state's bankrupt and marred with active earthquake fault lines. Loved visiting. If I had a zillion dollars and felt daring with my welfare, I'd plant roots there in a heartbeat. (I could probably say the same about an...

Brainstorm 10 titles to your autobiography. 1. Wandering Amylessly (of course) 2. Caffeinated: The Highs (and Lows) of an Ordinary Girl 3. Scattered 4. I'd Rather Be Elsewhere 5. Short and Sassy 6. I'm Not Your Maid or Your Personal Chef 7. Tales of a Love Triangle: Semicolon, Em Dash, and Me 8. Images in the Mirror are Happier Than They Appear 9. Screaming Inside: I Know All the Bad Words and I'm Not Afraid to Use Them 10. Life Doesn't Have a Handbook, But What About the Cliff's Notes?

What's something you've always wanted to do, but have been afraid to? I'm afraid of a lot of things. A lot of the time. But hey, I read a quote from Mark Twain once: Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. I've always wanted to: 1. Get my nose pierced 2. Get a tattoo (just a small one, Mom!) With these, the major hurdles are fear of pain and fear of alienating Tim. It irritated him enough when I chopped my hair off. I'm not sure he could handle more piercings and body art. 3. Quit my job Not like I haven't done that before. But I'd love to work full time on a book. I could get published. Really. I might have to self publish to do it. Major fears associated with this: bankruptcy, failure. 4. Take a cruise My luck, I'd have hideous seasickness the whole time. That's the only fear. Well, that and the fact that a while back, people kept disappearing from cruise ships, never to be heard from again. 5. Be open and honest I'm proba...

What could make me feel older and more out of touch than these words coming from my 7-year-old: My bad. AND Oh snap! I still am not sure I can properly use those in a sentence. But I have decided that what makes me grow older faster (by the second) than anything else is having to explain how babies get created. I've had to be increasingly descriptive each time H's inquisitive self gets revved up. Guess we're both growing up.

Nothing makes me more naturally manic than oodles and gobs of sunshine and warmth. I was just noticing today a spring in my wedge-sandaled step, the urge to chatter about nothing in particular, and the general feeling of giddiness that a bright, cheery, 80-degree day in May brings. No need to alert my docs. A little hypomania never hurt anyone. If it spurs me on to clean my house, it's probably a great thing. Enjoy my great mood (while it lasts). I know I am!

This is my new favorite song. Enjoy...

First Catherine Zeta-Jones. Now teen actress Demi Lovato. Both recently announced that they had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I wonder how many other public figures have been diagnosed yet are keeping quiet? The stigma won't fade until people speak up. For an interesting column about the disorder on Huffington Post, click here . The author also maintains a blog. Read it here . And as if my mommy guilt wasn't already overwhelming, here's something to add to it. It's a story on a new study that finds children of parents with bipolar disorder are four times as likely to develop mood disorders as children of parents without the disorder. Wonder what studies show about the link between reading articles like this and becoming stressed out?

People Magazine revealed today that Catherine Zeta-Jones has been treated for bipolar II disorder, following the life stressors brought on by dealing with husband Michael Douglas's cancer. Read the story here . As the story reminds us, bipolar disorder afflicts about 6 million Americans. I'm glad to see the actress putting her beautiful face on the disorder...to show that, see, it can happen to anyone. It's also nice to see someone taking care of herself and apparently following treatment. Just a week or so ago, we had this headline in our local papers after a man fatally shot a law enforcement officer in an Eastern Iowa town: Man had long history of mental illness, substance abuse . He had been battling bipolar disorder for 30 years. The battle never ends for anyone. Sometimes there's a lull in the action. Other times, the fighting's harder than ever. Unfortunately, there are usually casualties of one kind or another.

Wow. It's been a while. I've had bronchitis and a sinus infection. My dog had an intestinal blockage and a back injury. My family life's challenging. Work...well, no comment. Even my Jenny Craig consultant abandoned me. (Although she really took a "leave of absence" from her job and I'm highly conceited for thinking it's all about me.) The past few weeks have been less than stellar. Here's to brighter days ahead. If nothing else, we can countdown to summer vacation in June...a week at the beach in North Carolina. Can't wait!

Never have I been more excited about and looking forward to an 8-hour car trip that I have today, 1 day before my vacay begins. It's turning out to be a day of grouchy messages from managers and conversations I wish I'd never heard. And now, I find out there's a Charlie Sheen virus spreading rampant on Facebook. Stop the madness. Spring break, here I come.

I just saw a woman's foot in the stall next to me in the bathroom, tapping away. Later, I watched the owner of said foot walk out of the bathroom, bopping away with her iPod earbuds in. Is one's life so in need of a music soundtrack, one must not put down one's portable music player to do one's bathroom business? Really? I've heard of people talking on the phone, too. If you are ever on the phone with me while you're in the can, hang up on me. Seriously. I'll forgive you. I do not understand the kind of urgency that anyone must feel to both converse and well, you know. I've also seen women applying makeup while driving their cars. I've seen men playing trash can basketball while on a conference call. There are probably people out there who listen to their iPod in one ear while listening to a conference call through another, while driving and applying makeup. Throw in "passing through the drive through for a quick bite of lunch" and you have...

Tonight, we're going to Henry's first-grade music program. Have any of you heard my beautiful child sing? Let's just say he inherited his parents' lack of vocal talent. He gives it his all. Off key. But all the while genuinely trying his best. When he's not tapping his neighbor on the shoulder or fiddling with his shoelaces or wiping his nose on his sleeve. I'm actually looking forward to it. I remember last year's concert was more amusing for its accidentally comedic moments than for its stellar pitch. Kids totally not paying attention, having side conversations during the choruses, trying really hard not to beat each other with the wooden blocks they were using as noisemakers, picking noses, wriggling in itchy clothes. That was kindergarten. I'm fully insisting that first grade's when we start seeing the Justin Biebers-in-training hit the scene. Too bad we cut H's hair. In addition to the entertainment, we're also going this evening because...

A Circle of Useless Facts to Fill Up Your Brain... Denny's Grand Slam breakfast made its debut in 1977. There are 27 sovereign member states of the European union -- 20 republics, 6 kingdoms, and 1 grand duchy. A grand duchy, sometimes referred to as a grand dukedom, is a territory whose head of state is a monarch, either a grand duke or grand duchess. Genevieve Guidroz, born Aug. 7, 1932 in Berwick, Louisiana, is better known as the grand dame of dieting: Jenny Craig. She started her company in 1983 in Australia with her husband Sidney and started in the U.S. two years later. Jenny Craig Inc. has been part of Nestlé Nutrition since 2006. Nestlé HealthCare Nutrition employs 2,500 people in approximately 30 countries, with global headquarters Switzerland and North American headquarters in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Nutritional Information for a Grand Slam: a Belgian Waffle Slam with margarine but no syrup is 1,030 calories.

Click here for an amusing example of office passive aggressiveness.

Our company rewards us quarterly for our hard work and dedication to the company by hosting "Treat Day." This is a day where the company provides sugary snacks to employees. This is the same company that has been sending us nutritional pamphlets and books on how to be healthier. This is the same company that has been advertising its upcoming participation in a Global Corporate Health Challenge. This is the same company that bemoans the fact its health care premiums are skyrocketing because its employees are so sedentary and fat and generally unhealthy. Makes perfect sense, eh. Used to be that the company would also provide apples on "Treat Day" so that those trying to watch their calories would have a reward as well. The company stopped doing that. When no one ate the fruit. So here I sit, on "Treat Day," having to deal with the fact that a giant plate of cream cheese brownies is sitting in the empty cube right next to me. Truthfully, I'm not that temp...

...until Henry and I (and the two dogs) hit the road for Spring Break! Tim's teaching a photo class that week, so we're on our own. Where are we going? What exotic locale have we chosen? Kansas. I know. You're overtaken with envy. Try not to hate us too much. Actually, I'm extremely excited to go on this trip. I get to see my parents, Henry spends time with his grandparents, and I get some freedom to go shopping or to movies or to knit or read while the kiddo's entertained by people who adore him. I adore him too, but I already get to experience his wonder and brilliance 24/7/365. I'll give someone else a chance! We'll also hit the tourist venues of the Wichita metropolitan area. I hope the weather's nice. We're planning to visit the zoo, the children's museum, and mini-golf, for starters. Anyone else out there have ideas? I'm open to suggestions. Five glorious days away from work...that's the true joy of vacation. It doesn't really m...

Everyone get out your party hats and noisemakers! Friday is National Grammar Day!!! I'm giving you ample warning. You have no excuses. You WILL be celebrating, won't you?! Just say no to split infinitives. Don't dare end a sentence with a preposition. Watch out for subject/verb agreement. To check out Grammar Girl's festivities, click here . To enter a grammar day contest, click here . To see how another blogger marks the occasion, click here . (Truthfully, I have no idea who the hell Betsy is, but I'm sure she's a fine person.) To buy your favorite copy editor kewl stuff, click here . Finally, remember this: "I'm the grammar snob about whom your mother warned you." Learn it. Know it. Live it.

Crazy. Nutty. Wacko. Psycho. Freaky. Cuckoo. I'm probably a hypocrite. I've used the words before, frequently to label myself. Usually in a self-deprecating way. But the last thing someone who's ill needs is to be belittled or insulted or, for that matter, labeled. Anyone who uses these labels keeps the stigma of mental illness alive. I'm as guilty as the next person. I'm not pointing fingers. I'm reminding. I'm raising that red flag of awareness. Would you tease a cancer victim for being sick? Of course not. So why should this be any different? I've heard and/or read each of those six negative, harmful words above in the last few days, all uttered to describe one person and his erratic, out-of-control behavior: actor Charlie Sheen. He's gone on rants, often nonsensical and seemingly delusional. He claims he's cured himself of addiction. He brags about women. He bemoans how people are out to get him. His paranoia leads him to declare war on other...

We booked a babysitter. Those are four glorious words in the Schoon household. We don't hear them often. But we've now found a new, reliable, consistent, responsible young woman who loves our kid and who's generally available when we need her, who luckily agreed to relieve us of our parental duties for one evening so we can go have dinner and drinks and conversation like grownups. (Tim, there better be NO whining. NO negotiating. NO complaining that you'd rather be playing video games. Hear me?) Dinner's at HuHot mongolian grill, one of the only places we can NEVER go with Henry because, well, the concept of various foods all mixed together...not a hit with the H-man. Foods covered with sauce (that's not ketchup) and touching -- a deadly combination in the eyes and palate of our 7-year-old. Then we're headed to the First Avenue Club in Iowa City to watch the River Rats Dueling Pianos show, featuring two guys from Minneapolis, two grand pianos, and an array ...

1. Politics. Everyone hates everyone else. No one listens. Lots of people are nuttier than I am. It's amazing anything ever gets done. 2. The Weather. From mid January to early April, it just simply sucks. At least, here, anyway. It's probably delightful in Florida or Australia or somewhere where I'm not. 3. House cleaning. It doesn't matter how well you do it once. You're just going to have to do it again. That holds true for laundry, dishes, and working out. 4. Glasses. They're always half empty with me. Sorry. Just the way my brain works. If you're searching for Patty Positive, you'll have to look elsewhere. 5. A size 4. No matter how much I diet, nevermind how many running miles I log or the exorbitant number of ab crunches I complete, I am fairly sure I will never squeeze myself into size 4 jeans. Perhaps later this year I will prove myself completely wrong. Or vanity sizing will treat me kindly. Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our ...