Because I am in a "low" phase of my illness right now I find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning, string coherent thoughts together through the day, or lovingly care for my family. I wish I could escape. Find a way out. Disappear.
Two meds have been added to my daily cocktail, in an attempt to regulate whatever brain and body chemicals may be responsible for this latest shift. So I'm getting lithium for mood stabilization, combined with buspirone and Klonapin for anti anxiety, followed by a bedtime treat of trazodone to act as an antidepressant and sleep agent. As I was filling a prescription last night, the student pharmacist at CVS asks me "So, do you know what you're taking this for?" I wasn't sure whether to be offended that she thought I was so mentally unstable I didn't know what I was doing or to be frightened that she thinks there are large groups of people out there taking drugs and don't know why they're taking them.
I was reviewing a list of symptoms today for the "highs" and "lows" of bipolar disorder. It's hard to realize, when I'm as far down as I am right now, that what I'm feeling isn't just me needing to get a grip, to pull myself up by my boots and shrug it off. It's real. It hurts. And I'd like to know why I seem to find myself back in the depression again and again. I could use a little grandiosity and increased energy and flights of fancy. If I were to sway to the manic end of the spectrum a little more often, I'm not sure I'd complain. The times I've been there, I've enjoyed the feeling...however fleeting...
Symptoms of mania - the "highs" of bipolar disorder
Increased physical and mental activity and energy
Heightened mood, exaggerated optimism and self-confidence
Excessive irritability, aggressive behavior
Decreased need for sleep without experiencing fatigue
Grandiose delusions, inflated sense of self-importance
Racing speech, racing thoughts, flight of ideas
Impulsiveness, poor judgment, distractibility
Reckless behavior
In the most severe cases, delusions and hallucinations
Symptoms of depression - the "lows" of bipolar disorder
Prolonged sadness or unexplained crying spells
Significant changes in appetite and sleep patterns
Irritability, anger, worry, agitation, anxiety
Pessimism, indifference
Loss of energy, persistent lethargy
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness
Inability to concentrate, indecisiveness
Inability to take pleasure in former interests, social withdrawal
Unexplained aches and pains
Recurring thoughts of death or suicide
Two meds have been added to my daily cocktail, in an attempt to regulate whatever brain and body chemicals may be responsible for this latest shift. So I'm getting lithium for mood stabilization, combined with buspirone and Klonapin for anti anxiety, followed by a bedtime treat of trazodone to act as an antidepressant and sleep agent. As I was filling a prescription last night, the student pharmacist at CVS asks me "So, do you know what you're taking this for?" I wasn't sure whether to be offended that she thought I was so mentally unstable I didn't know what I was doing or to be frightened that she thinks there are large groups of people out there taking drugs and don't know why they're taking them.
I was reviewing a list of symptoms today for the "highs" and "lows" of bipolar disorder. It's hard to realize, when I'm as far down as I am right now, that what I'm feeling isn't just me needing to get a grip, to pull myself up by my boots and shrug it off. It's real. It hurts. And I'd like to know why I seem to find myself back in the depression again and again. I could use a little grandiosity and increased energy and flights of fancy. If I were to sway to the manic end of the spectrum a little more often, I'm not sure I'd complain. The times I've been there, I've enjoyed the feeling...however fleeting...
Symptoms of mania - the "highs" of bipolar disorder
Increased physical and mental activity and energy
Heightened mood, exaggerated optimism and self-confidence
Excessive irritability, aggressive behavior
Decreased need for sleep without experiencing fatigue
Grandiose delusions, inflated sense of self-importance
Racing speech, racing thoughts, flight of ideas
Impulsiveness, poor judgment, distractibility
Reckless behavior
In the most severe cases, delusions and hallucinations
Symptoms of depression - the "lows" of bipolar disorder
Prolonged sadness or unexplained crying spells
Significant changes in appetite and sleep patterns
Irritability, anger, worry, agitation, anxiety
Pessimism, indifference
Loss of energy, persistent lethargy
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness
Inability to concentrate, indecisiveness
Inability to take pleasure in former interests, social withdrawal
Unexplained aches and pains
Recurring thoughts of death or suicide
Comments
I love you!
Kerry P.
But anyway, I hope those highs come more frequently for you. You deserve to be happy, darnit! :) And just remember that I love you, Amy!
Hang in there. Call me if you or T or H need anything.
Jenni