Rhythmic sing-song chants
In my head
Wordless whispers urging movement
Frantic lists of lists tick off
What must be done
Thoughts jump from person to place to thing
Like flies at the kitchen table for Sunday dinner.
No swatter big enough to smack them down.
My mind races marathons moment to moment
Trapped in a speed three times too slow
Ten times that too fast
For anyone else.
Wide-eyed, trembling hands, heart pounding, sticking, in my throat
Pulse throbbing in my ears like impatient fingers
Drumming a table top.
Noon or nine or midnight,
As if espresso via IV were my drug of choice.
No speed for me.
My ecstasy is fresh air and sunshine and
Sleep deprivation and adrenaline
And too much stimulation
And lies I tell myself
To make it OK
When I leave the lithium in the bottle.
And walk away.
I need no manufactured elixir. No synthetic savior.
I exist on a chemical imbalance,
Riding the waves
The deep abyss.
Today I’m in my head. I’m up.
I can do anything
Perfectly. Righteously. Fantastically.
My smile serves as window dressing to pretty me up.