Oh golly. The tossing and turning, the sleepless nights can now come to an end. Your life is now fulfilled and complete, now that ABC has announced ... drumroll, please ... the upcoming lineup of sorta-celebrities for this fall's Dancing with the Stars!!!!
In no particular order (other than it's the way I copied it from the press release, which I'm sure was written for maximum effect) here they are. The professional partners are listed in parentheses --
Lance Bass (Lacey Schwimmer) -- The biggest disappointment about this star seems to be that the openly gay former N'Sync member was not going to be chachacha'ing with a male partner instead of a female one. I don't care who he dances with, he's my pick to win it all.
Rocco DiSpirito (Karina Smirnoff) -- Can a professional chef cut a rug as well as he can chop veggies? We'll see. I hadn't heard of him before this morning, so I have no opinion either way. Where's Emeril?!
Misty May-Treanor (Maksim Chmerkovskiy) -- Gosh, how'd the girl focus enough to win the Olympic gold medal in beach volleyball when she knew next up was learning to dance on national television, taught by a guy that makes KGB officers look like cocker spaniel puppies?
Maurice Greene (Cheryl Burke) -- This gold-medal-winner from the Sydney Olympics probably has a good shot. He's a track star, though. It's finesse, not necessarily speed, that scores on DWTS. But big burly football players have done well, so stranger things have happened.
Toni Braxton (Alec Mazo) -- She was a popular singer in the '90s and she's appeared on Broadway, but I'm concerned about this being dangerous for her health. She reportedly had heart problems recently that caused her to put a tour on hold. I guess this show's always looking for some Osmond-style fainting or other such drama.
Kim Kardashian (Mark Ballas) -- This girl's famous like Paris is famous. Not for doing anything extraordinary, unless you count having a notorious parent (her father was O.J.'s lawyer) and making a sex tape. I'm disappointed this dud is paired with my favorite male DWTS professional.
Cody Linley (Julianne Hough) -- This 18-year-old is a friend of Hannah Montana's. As my 4-year-old son would say with a screwed-up face, "Hannah Montana. Ewww. Yuk."
Cloris Leachman (Corky Ballas) -- I heard that they're prepared to use the dump button/five-second delay for live broadcasts because of this feisty Academy- and Emmy-award-winning actress's tendency to say what she thinks when she thinks it. Or perhaps before she thinks better of it. She's in her 80s. She's no Lance Bass, but I'm quietly cheering her on.
Ted McGinley (Inna Brayer) -- Good old Ted -- a replacement character on Married...With Children, The Love Boat, Happy Days and Dynasty -- was dubbed the patron saint of "jumping the shark" by jumptheshark.com founder Jon Hein in reference to the popular and enduring shows which have featured him in their declining years. Perhaps his appearance signals the beginning of the end of DWTS. Some of you would hope.
Brooke Burke (Derek Hough) -- Well, she's hot. Those are the words my husband uttered when I announce this list to him. Probably not the last time I'll hear them, either. Here's to hoping the TV personality and model gets the boot quickly.
Jeffrey Ross (Edyta Sliwinska) -- Actor, director, stand-up comic and ... here's where this particular pick gets interesting ... INSULT COMIC. He'll make fun of himself, everyone else on stage, and all of us pathetic dweebs watching at home. Can't wait.
Warren Sapp (Kym Johnson) -- Token football player of the season, I'm sure he'll do well. I just can't like him. He played for the Bucs and the Raiders. I like him about as much as I like Hannah's little boyfriend (see above).
Susan Lucci (Tony Dovolani) -- It took Susan Lucci 18 failed nominations before she finally won an Emmy. I don't see her having any better success with latin and ballroom. But she has a boatload of rabid daytime fans who will have her toll-free vote-for-me number programmed in their speed dial before her heels hit the dance floor.
DWTS Season Seven begins at 8 p.m. (Eastern time), Sept. 22 on ABC. I'm not doing a rundown of who will lose when this time. Because, one, no one paid attention last time, not even me. Second, I really like no one but Lance. I might change my mind when I actually see everyone perform. Or I might check out what's on NBC or CBS on Monday and Tuesday nights this fall...
In no particular order (other than it's the way I copied it from the press release, which I'm sure was written for maximum effect) here they are. The professional partners are listed in parentheses --
Lance Bass (Lacey Schwimmer) -- The biggest disappointment about this star seems to be that the openly gay former N'Sync member was not going to be chachacha'ing with a male partner instead of a female one. I don't care who he dances with, he's my pick to win it all.
Rocco DiSpirito (Karina Smirnoff) -- Can a professional chef cut a rug as well as he can chop veggies? We'll see. I hadn't heard of him before this morning, so I have no opinion either way. Where's Emeril?!
Misty May-Treanor (Maksim Chmerkovskiy) -- Gosh, how'd the girl focus enough to win the Olympic gold medal in beach volleyball when she knew next up was learning to dance on national television, taught by a guy that makes KGB officers look like cocker spaniel puppies?
Maurice Greene (Cheryl Burke) -- This gold-medal-winner from the Sydney Olympics probably has a good shot. He's a track star, though. It's finesse, not necessarily speed, that scores on DWTS. But big burly football players have done well, so stranger things have happened.
Toni Braxton (Alec Mazo) -- She was a popular singer in the '90s and she's appeared on Broadway, but I'm concerned about this being dangerous for her health. She reportedly had heart problems recently that caused her to put a tour on hold. I guess this show's always looking for some Osmond-style fainting or other such drama.
Kim Kardashian (Mark Ballas) -- This girl's famous like Paris is famous. Not for doing anything extraordinary, unless you count having a notorious parent (her father was O.J.'s lawyer) and making a sex tape. I'm disappointed this dud is paired with my favorite male DWTS professional.
Cody Linley (Julianne Hough) -- This 18-year-old is a friend of Hannah Montana's. As my 4-year-old son would say with a screwed-up face, "Hannah Montana. Ewww. Yuk."
Cloris Leachman (Corky Ballas) -- I heard that they're prepared to use the dump button/five-second delay for live broadcasts because of this feisty Academy- and Emmy-award-winning actress's tendency to say what she thinks when she thinks it. Or perhaps before she thinks better of it. She's in her 80s. She's no Lance Bass, but I'm quietly cheering her on.
Ted McGinley (Inna Brayer) -- Good old Ted -- a replacement character on Married...With Children, The Love Boat, Happy Days and Dynasty -- was dubbed the patron saint of "jumping the shark" by jumptheshark.com founder Jon Hein in reference to the popular and enduring shows which have featured him in their declining years. Perhaps his appearance signals the beginning of the end of DWTS. Some of you would hope.
Brooke Burke (Derek Hough) -- Well, she's hot. Those are the words my husband uttered when I announce this list to him. Probably not the last time I'll hear them, either. Here's to hoping the TV personality and model gets the boot quickly.
Jeffrey Ross (Edyta Sliwinska) -- Actor, director, stand-up comic and ... here's where this particular pick gets interesting ... INSULT COMIC. He'll make fun of himself, everyone else on stage, and all of us pathetic dweebs watching at home. Can't wait.
Warren Sapp (Kym Johnson) -- Token football player of the season, I'm sure he'll do well. I just can't like him. He played for the Bucs and the Raiders. I like him about as much as I like Hannah's little boyfriend (see above).
Susan Lucci (Tony Dovolani) -- It took Susan Lucci 18 failed nominations before she finally won an Emmy. I don't see her having any better success with latin and ballroom. But she has a boatload of rabid daytime fans who will have her toll-free vote-for-me number programmed in their speed dial before her heels hit the dance floor.
DWTS Season Seven begins at 8 p.m. (Eastern time), Sept. 22 on ABC. I'm not doing a rundown of who will lose when this time. Because, one, no one paid attention last time, not even me. Second, I really like no one but Lance. I might change my mind when I actually see everyone perform. Or I might check out what's on NBC or CBS on Monday and Tuesday nights this fall...
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