Now that I think about it...

When I started the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction/Cognitive Therapy program eight weeks ago, I was looking for ways to better understand my emotions and help keep myself on a more even keel, longing to avoid the major swings that become a way of life for your average, everyday, run-of-the-mill manic depressive basketcase.

While I did develop some new, effective methods for making more skillful choices, I also learned how to better live in the present, without judging myself or giving more power to my thoughts than they deserve. As our leader, Bev, says, "Thoughts are just thoughts. Not more, not less. They are not truth, they are only thoughts." In the process of learning to be in the present, not ruminating about what might have been or what could be in the future, I learned how to better live with myself. To see the automatic negative thoughts in my head for what they are -- NOT the truth, just flashes of activity in the brain. In the past, my thoughts would say to me, "You'll never be good enough. You're lazy or uncoordinated or unmotivated. You're not worthy of praise or kindness or love. You're a loser. Why bother."

In the past eight weeks, I lost six pounds. I went three weeks without alcohol, animal products, caffeine, wheat gluten or sugar. I started running. I lined up a job interview. I walked the dog. I played with my son. I loved my husband. I read three books. I worked on a knitting project. I became positively addicted to Facebook. I started weightlifting class again. I enjoyed a beautiful bottle of wine to celebrate the cleanse completion. I kept an insightful journal. I went on a retreat -- remember, SEVEN HOURS without talking. I basked in the sun.

Those are all things I DID. What's more important than doing? BEING. I was being present in those things. I was paying attention, mindfully living, living in the moment. The inner chatter didn't go away. But I was able to see it for what it was -- thoughts, not truth -- and effectively turned down the volume.

I also learned to love myself a little bit more. That may sound sappy and smack of new-age-hoo-hah. But being silent during the mindfulness program's daily rituals and during the retreat gave me plenty of time to be all alone with myself, to work out a few bits of unfinished business I had with ME. To forgive myself for not being perfect. To accept that I am emotional and passionate, demanding, occasionally irrational, creative, unrelenting, from time to time melancholy, a bit obsessive and, now and again, a total mess.

Welcome to life.