I will readily admit, this is going to be the blog post equivalent of one of those emails you generally hate -- the ones that someone's niece's friend's cousin's coworker's stepmother's sister forwarded from her best friend's boss's daughter's baby-daddy. You know, the ones that the person forwarding says is "just the funniest damn thing I've read all day."
At any rate, my friend's husband -- who unfortunately leans distastefully to the right but nevertheless writes himself a first-rate blog -- recently shared an email that had been forwarded from his nephew.
After my recent spate of job applications and interviews, this struck me as knocked-on-the-ass funny. But maybe it's just me. I'm weird that way.
At any rate, my friend's husband -- who unfortunately leans distastefully to the right but nevertheless writes himself a first-rate blog -- recently shared an email that had been forwarded from his nephew.
After my recent spate of job applications and interviews, this struck me as knocked-on-the-ass funny. But maybe it's just me. I'm weird that way.
McDONALDS APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
NAME: [Redacted]
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?
On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
Yes – Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
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