Pretty Woman? Not so pretty.

You know you're hard up for romantic pillow talk topics when you're lying in bed at night, chatting up your significant other about, of all things, prostitution. We had a legitimate lead-in: the now-former-New York Governor Eliot Spitzer melodrama, complete with dutiful wife standing by his side as he vaguely admitted doing something shameful that had hurt his family (and did one doozy of a number on his political career...that sound...the whooshwhoosh of a presidential bid flushing right down the can).

We went through the basic details, mouths agape with each recited fact (and at several key moments, erupting in an admittedly childish fit of giggles): Eliot patronized a $1,000-an-hour call girl named Ashley (only we had heard her name was "Kristin" and continued to refer to her as "Kristin" by placing our hands in the air and etching quotations in the dark at each mention of her name). Same can be said for our use of his alias, Client 9, as he was known by the feds whose wiretap uncovered this debaucherous deception. Some people estimate he paid up to $80,000 for such sexual services over a period of several years during which time he was attorney general, then governor.

This man's poor wife and kids, we moaned. What a pig, we exclaimed. We asked ourselves, aloud, incredulous, why this man -- a seemingly upstanding individual who railed against a slew of corruption and misdeeds -- needed to lease a lover. The "you don't know where it's been" factor is exceedingly high; and from the bits and pieces gleaned from leaked wiretap transcripts, it seems that wasn't his top concern, given his apparent distaste for donning a Trojan. If he and his wife were having some sort of intimate issues, why didn't he just have an affair? (Not that we're condoning that behavior, but given the alternative...)

Well, the questions just went on and on. I'm completely at a loss for why someone would risk arrest, career loss, public humiliation, and the destruction of one's family to pay for a couple hours of sex with a stranger and her presumed colony of cooties. We've heard the experts say that some men like the risk and the danger. Someone in old Eliot's situation might be hoping for discreet relations from a professional who would not rat him out. Guess he should have picked a high-priced call girl service that wasn't being investigated for money laundering, among other crimes.

Who knows why he did it. In most cases, I'd say it was none of our business. But it irks me that he put on this public persona of a pompous, self-righteous superhero-esque crime fighter, yet squandered thousands of dollars to while away the hours with a high-end whore.

I geared up for tonight's bedtime talk by surfing the 'Net for prostitution statistics. I know, whispering sweet nothings has taken a whole new turn. I'll leave you with a few interesting facts, compiled from several studies done in the past several decades. You can offer them up to whomever you share your bed tonight. (And here's to hoping you haven't maxed out your credit card, stolen your kid's milk money, or contracted a painful STD to be there.)

-- The National Task Force on Prostitution suggests that over one million people in the US have worked as prostitutes in the United States, or about 1% of American women.

-- The U.S. Department of Health consistently reports that 3-5% of the sexually transmitted disease in this country is related to prostitution.

-- Anecdotal reports and arrest statistic indicate that clients also vary widely in terms of race and class. In a study in London, England, 50% of clients were married, or cohabiting.

-- According to Kinsey's report, 70% of adult men have engaged in prostitution at least once.

-- From a report in the 1980s, average arrest, court and incarceration costs amount to nearly $ 2,000 per arrest. Cities spend an average of $7.5 million a year on prostitution control, ranging from $1 million in Memphis, Tenn., to $23 million in New York.