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Again

Why is it that I can't be normal?

What is normal, you ask? I don't know, but it's not me.

It's not normal to cry all the time and want to hit things and sleep for hours on end. It's not normal to have to fight with your body to get it to calm down, to stop the leg bouncing and pacing and jaw grinding, to stop the racing thoughts and the fluttering heart. It's not normal to love your family one minute and want to run from them the next. It's not normal to think about dying, or to think about wanting to be dead and how to best accomplish that.

My brain doesn't work as it should.

I take my meds. I go to therapy. It all works for a while, and then it doesn't. And I slip downward, farther and farther, until the darkness envelops me and I barely see a sliver of blue sky above my head. Most times it's not even blue. It's gray.

Everyone around me moans a collective, "Oh great, not again." I don't blame them; it's my feeling too, as I take my slow slide into the abyss.

Comments

Brianne said…
I read an article today in the Star about this woman who has an off-broadway one-woman show. She has bipolar disorder. There is a wonderful quote at the end of it that I thought you might appreciate:

"'I’ve been told your wound is your gift,' [Mary Pat] Gleason said at the end of the show. 'I believe bipolar disorder is my gift. But I have to see it that way. Otherwise your wound is just a wound.'"
1:27 PM
Anonymous said…
I wish you didn't feel the bad feelings so intensely.
Your loving sister, Anne
1:04 AM
Anonymous said…
I want you to feel better soon....please call me if you think me listening will help! I love you!
Kerry
6:06 PM
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