After spending an hour in therapy today having all my inadequacies and fears and defectiveness paraded around and picked apart, I learned one thing. Going back to work on Monday will be painful. It is certain to cause anxiety, and I'll certainly burst into tears at some point. Many points. I think I made quick work of my therapist's entire box of tissues this morning.
She said it's perfectly normal for me to have apprehension about going back. I've been gone since the end of February. My boss is no longer my boss, being replaced by someone from back East who will start the following Monday. She said it will feel like it does when one starts a new job. The first few weeks, you think "I'm stupid, I don't know anything, I'll never get the hang of this" and then before you know it, you could do the job in your sleep.
I'm not convinced. I'm walking back into an office after being on "extended medical leave." Only a handful of people know the reason why. The rest have been told that the information is "personal and confidential" so I'm guessing that rumor and speculation abound. Like I had a miscarriage. Or a hysterectomy. Or a boob job gone bad. Who knows what they're saying. How do I respond to inquiries? I'm not ashamed of my illness, but I don't want people to treat me differently. The words "bipolar disorder" are ones discussed on an episode of ER or Law and Order to explain away some psychotic, homicidal behavior. If the disorder is misunderstood, I could suffer more than I already have.
What do I say? How do I respond? How much do I reveal? How can I quietly slip back in and keep any attention about my return to a minimum? And on a slightly different path: what the hell was my computer password? and do I remember how to change the message on my voice mail? and can I still successfully publish my newsletter to the web?
So many questions. So many unknowns.
What I DO know is that I'm scared. Even though I'll be returning to a company with 18,000 employees, I feel very alone. A lot of people will probably think that because I'm back, all is well and I'm back to normal.
I don't know what normal is anymore. I don't think "normal" exists. And whatever normal might be, I feel an ocean or two away from it.
She said it's perfectly normal for me to have apprehension about going back. I've been gone since the end of February. My boss is no longer my boss, being replaced by someone from back East who will start the following Monday. She said it will feel like it does when one starts a new job. The first few weeks, you think "I'm stupid, I don't know anything, I'll never get the hang of this" and then before you know it, you could do the job in your sleep.
I'm not convinced. I'm walking back into an office after being on "extended medical leave." Only a handful of people know the reason why. The rest have been told that the information is "personal and confidential" so I'm guessing that rumor and speculation abound. Like I had a miscarriage. Or a hysterectomy. Or a boob job gone bad. Who knows what they're saying. How do I respond to inquiries? I'm not ashamed of my illness, but I don't want people to treat me differently. The words "bipolar disorder" are ones discussed on an episode of ER or Law and Order to explain away some psychotic, homicidal behavior. If the disorder is misunderstood, I could suffer more than I already have.
What do I say? How do I respond? How much do I reveal? How can I quietly slip back in and keep any attention about my return to a minimum? And on a slightly different path: what the hell was my computer password? and do I remember how to change the message on my voice mail? and can I still successfully publish my newsletter to the web?
So many questions. So many unknowns.
What I DO know is that I'm scared. Even though I'll be returning to a company with 18,000 employees, I feel very alone. A lot of people will probably think that because I'm back, all is well and I'm back to normal.
I don't know what normal is anymore. I don't think "normal" exists. And whatever normal might be, I feel an ocean or two away from it.
Comments
You won't have to do everything on your first day back. Day one, maybe just showing up is enough.
You've got great advice.
You are stronger than you know and I believe in you!