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What a fine welcome to the company...

I'm performing my first real duty for my new employer today. After signing fifteen gajillion papers about how I'm not going to divulge company secrets, not going to sue my employer, agree to attend a full-day orientation for new employees on my start date, and so on, I get to do this one very important task this afternoon. I get to give of myself in a most personal way.

I get to pee in a cup.

I'm quite accustomed to this after having a child. I perfected the art of collecting in mid stream, after donating several gallons for various testings during my pregnancy. Before any sort of discussions with the doc, before any examinations, before I even got weighed (thanks for that...the whale that Amy had become needed all the help she could get on the scales), at every single appointment, the first thing they did was hand me the specimen collection container and direct me to the bathroom. Then upon completion, I'd have to wander back in the hallway and find a nurse to hand the specimen to, so that everyone else in the hall and in the adjacent nearby lobby could take a gander at my lovely urine.

I apparently always passed the tests. No alarms sounded. No one whisked me away to rehab or surgery or the dietician or whatever consequence I might have faced if something of concern had been discovered.

It's not like I'm worried that this kind of test might be different. I'm such a good girl, and have been such a good girl all my life, that I might even get some special recognition for having the purest blood around. Completely 100 percent crack free. No amphetamines or marijuana or barbiturates. Hey, I don't even know what barbiturates are. If they test for anti-depressants, they'll learn I'm a complete loon. But I'm an angelic loon. See my halo?

While I have not swallowed, snorted, injected, or otherwise consumed controlled substances, I guess many others have. There seems to be a whole black-market world out there for those with not such spotless records who seek assistance regarding how to pass a drug test. Google "pass a drug test" and see what happens.

Passyourdrugtest.com
Testclear.com
Ipassedmydrugtest.com
Cleartest.com
Testingclean.com
Detoks.com
Passitkit.com
Urineluck.com
Urinetheclear.com
Whizzinator.com
...and so on.

No, I'm not worried about failure. I'm not worried about the procedure itself. I'm just a bit indignant. Can't they just take my word for it? Don't they trust me? I start feeling guilty when I've done absolutely nothing wrong (Shrink gets $100 an hour to deal with that issue, already...)! What if I get performance anxiety...and can't GO?!

Off for another liter of fluids. Wish me luck...

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