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The gnashing of teeth

I could tell you what and when and how she'll say it. She could be Ginger in Clearwater, Kan., or Kelli in Ogden, Utah, or Lauri in Iowa City, Iowa. But her eyes will shoot me a menacing stare, peering over her little white mask past her bitter latex-covered fingers, and she'll start the succession of phrases meant to guilt and embarrass my mouth into submission.

• We're going to have to work for awhile on these front ones. (scrapescrapescrape) Quite a bit of build up right here (scratchscratchscratch).

• Most of the buildup seems to be in between. You could get that if you flossed more often.

• Hmmm. We've got a little blood here. Definitely more flossing (she says as she jams a thread of floss into my gum and saws like a steak knife through gristle).

• Do you drink coffee or tea? We have some stubborn stains here. Coffee? That explains it.

• You drink a lot of coffee?

• Oooh. Seems a little sensitive. Does it hurt when I do this? (F**k yes it hurts, are you an idiot?! There's a reason I'm hovering three feet off the chair!)

• I'll stop squirting this (arctic-like) cold water directly onto your (exposed nerves) teeth. But you really ought to try the Crest Sensitive toothpaste. I'll send home a sample, along with a dispenser of floss.

• Doctor, I think we ought to put a watch on number three. It looks a little suspicious. (poke, jab, pokepoke, jab with sharp metal object)

• Next time, we'll have you do x-rays. Number three's looking suspicious.

• And now let's finish up with the full mouth tissue exam, looking for signs of oral cancers. Just stick out your tongue. Stick it out. Oh...lookey at that! Your tongue's connected funny! How have you managed? I guess you've overcome any speech challenges. But, wow, (she says grabbing my tongue with a wad of gauze and flipping it over one way, then the other), that's interesting. (intherethting? I'll sthow ou intheresthting...)

All of this. And it was only a cleaning. No fillings. No visible cavities. You should hear the dental hygienist when the novocaine enters the syringe and they revv up the drill. You'd think I'd committed mass murder or beat a carload of children or stole food bound for famine-ravaged Ethiopia.

I brush at least twice a day. I periodically floss. I use fluoride. I pretend it's all fun so my son will someday have better habits than I do. And I do what I can to keep my teeth in my head and false ones out of my future. I'd like to swap jobs with the woman behind the mask just long enough to find out whether she deserves the same scolding and nitpicking she dishes out every six months. I'd scrape and poke and tsktsktsk and I'd tell her to put that in her pipe and smoke it.

Which would cause nasty yellow buildup, I'm sure.

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