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Yo-yo

I think the last time I weighed what the charts said I should way was about...birth. 7lbs. 3oz. Perfectly average for a full-term baby. And then something went entirely awry.

Remember Sears' "husky" size? If you don't then you never wore it. We who suffered through that remember it all too well. Elementary school, junior high, I just got chunkier and clunkier. Teenage years are awkward enough without being fat. I hated every minute.

In junior high, after my doctor sat me down and basically told me I was a pig, I went on my first diet. Lost 30 lbs. Still needed to lose more. By junior year in high school, I needed to lose another 30 lbs because I was sure if I did that, some dreamy boy would ask me to prom. Second diet, second 30 lbs., lots of starvation moments, no date. The weight started returning. My first year in college...those freshman 15...I'm sure I doubled that. From that time on, I dieted, starved, binged, tried every goofy new gimmick for weight loss. And every time I failed or "cheated" or looked at myself in the mirror, I hated me a little more.

At my smallest, at my wedding, I still focused on my not-flat belly and what I perceived to be a double chin. I barely ate anything at the reception because I couldn't breathe in my dress. Even though it was a size 6, I thought I was that same pig in the doctor's office years and years earlier.

Six years later, I'm still kicking myself, after having a baby, after going back to work full time, after commuting 1.5 hours a day, after spending three weeks in the hospital because I wanted to die. I struggle to find time to exercise. Cooking seems excessive if it involves much more than preheating an oven or pressing start on the microwave. The house needs cleaned, the laundry needs done, the kitchen needs cleaned, the child needs and needs and needs. I need a Snickers bar.

A couple weeks ago, I looked at wedding pictures. I literally gasped. I was so skinny. My waist was ultra tiny in that beautiful white dress. There was no extra chin. My arms were sleek and toned. If I look closely, I can see the indentation of cheekbones. I looked so great. How come I didn't see it then? Why did I let that slip away?

The person staring at me in the mirror today is not who I am. I feel trapped in a hideous halloween costume. So, after paging through those pictures, I started a new weight loss plan. I'm scared to fail. I'm scared to succeed. I'm searching for me. I hope I find her.

Comments

swan_pr said…
I never thought I'd loose the weight I had been carying since having the kids. 11 years it took me. but the pounds have stayed off for 6 months now. I must say though that I still haven't found myself.

best of luck :)

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