My husband and I abandoned our baby.
It was only for one night. He was safe and sound, hanging out with his grandparents. And we enjoyed immensely our first overnight trip away from our child together since he was born 17 months ago. I even refrained from calling more than a couple times to check on him.
But he was on my mind the whole time. What if he was sad? What if he was sick? What if he fell down the stairs? What if he forgot who I was? What if his socks didn't match his outfit?
And so goes the mind of a neurotic, anxiety prone, manic-depressive, obsessive, first-time mom.
I left copious notes about what he should eat, what he shouldn't eat, what to do if he had a headache or toothache, when to change his diapers, how to do the bedtime ritual and tuck him in just so. I left phone numbers for his doctor, for his daycare, for his friends' parents, for my cell, for our work. I know, it's totally pathetic, but I think I might have even written down "in emergency, dial 911".
My parents were kids at one point. Then they had kids. Then their kids had kids. And now their GRANDKIDS have had kids. They're not exactly novices. And it was only for one night.
How will I ever let him go to a sleepover? Or to camp? Or to college? Who'll be there to cuddle him when he's sick or kiss him goodnight or cut up his food in just-the-right-size-so-as-not-to-choke pieces?!
Good thing I see my therapist tomorrow. We'll have lots to talk about.
It was only for one night. He was safe and sound, hanging out with his grandparents. And we enjoyed immensely our first overnight trip away from our child together since he was born 17 months ago. I even refrained from calling more than a couple times to check on him.
But he was on my mind the whole time. What if he was sad? What if he was sick? What if he fell down the stairs? What if he forgot who I was? What if his socks didn't match his outfit?
And so goes the mind of a neurotic, anxiety prone, manic-depressive, obsessive, first-time mom.
I left copious notes about what he should eat, what he shouldn't eat, what to do if he had a headache or toothache, when to change his diapers, how to do the bedtime ritual and tuck him in just so. I left phone numbers for his doctor, for his daycare, for his friends' parents, for my cell, for our work. I know, it's totally pathetic, but I think I might have even written down "in emergency, dial 911".
My parents were kids at one point. Then they had kids. Then their kids had kids. And now their GRANDKIDS have had kids. They're not exactly novices. And it was only for one night.
How will I ever let him go to a sleepover? Or to camp? Or to college? Who'll be there to cuddle him when he's sick or kiss him goodnight or cut up his food in just-the-right-size-so-as-not-to-choke pieces?!
Good thing I see my therapist tomorrow. We'll have lots to talk about.
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