WanderingAmylessly

Uncertain

2012-09-09T17:25:00.002-07:00

Of one thing I am certain: It has been many months since I last blogged.

That might be the only sure thing in my life right now.

I'm not going into it yet, other than to say tomorrow may be a crucial turning point in life.

Good? Bad? Jury's still out.

At the moment, I want to rant -- people suck, life isn't fair, etc.

Instead, I'm drinking a glass of wine and escaping into a great book I'm in the middle of at the moment, "The Castaways" by Elin Hilderbrand. It's filled with friendships, heartaches, forbidden trysts, and possibly a murder. I guess no matter how bad things get in the real world, they might never be as bad as they could be.

At least, I'm hoping that's the case.

"I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend..."

2012-05-15T11:51:00.001-07:00

Wicked afternoon

2012-05-11T11:49:00.000-07:00

Lyrics from "Defying Gravity," from the Broadway production of Wicked

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down.

Just waiting

2012-05-10T15:12:00.002-07:00

I posted this pic as my Facebook cover this afternoon:

I've posted quite a bit recently in support of gay marriage.

I'm just waiting for a negative response. I get plenty of my friends agreeing with me. I'm positive that there are those relatives or acquaintances or former classmates who do not share my opinion.

I don't want to fight. There's too much anger and hate and nastiness being spewed. It doesn't have a place on my page. However, I don't honestly want to have a civil discussion with opponents, either, because I get all bent out of shape about this issue. I'm not generally an outspoken militant activist about much. People are entitled to their opinions. But I'M of the OPINION that I don't need you in my life if all you stand for is taking away other people's rights, spreading hate, and supporting religious endeavors that claim your beliefs are the only valid ones.

Will I lose Facebook friends over my stand?

Maybe. But I might not really consider it a "loss."

President Obama speaks...

2012-05-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

What a roller coaster.

Yesterday, North Carolina voters approved a measure that bans same-sex marriage (and the less appealing but still legitimate civil unions) in their state. By passing this amendment, North Carolina became the 30th state to write a same-sex marriage ban into its Constitution.

I guess I'll have to find somewhere else to vacation. Now the Outer Banks' beauty is tainted by hate and exclusion in my mind, and I'll be spending my tourism dollars elsewhere.

Today, though, President Obama struck back by announcing, in an interview, his evolved thoughts on the subject. Although he previously hesitated to support same-sex marriage with the belief that civil unions should be sufficient, he now says he believes same-sex couples should be allowed to marry.

In the last election, he was all about "Change." During his administration, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was obliterated. If this is the kind of change he meant, then hallelujah. I hope his change of heart and his bold announcement today signal the beginning of a new era.

I'm not holding my breath.

This issue makes me so angry, I can barely string coherent thoughts together. I do not understand why some people are so obsessed with denying couples who love each other the right to make official commitments of love and caring, honoring and cherishing, in sickness and in health, forever and ever, amen. How is allowing people who love each other to vow to spend their lives together detrimental to society? I don't get it.

It's not just about a gesture of love, either. It's about human rights. It's about human decency. The only thing indecent about this issue is those people who spew hatred and bigotry and general vitriol, and do so in the name of Christianity.

The other day I was walking downtown behind this adorable college-age couple obviously in love. They were holding hands and laughing, enjoying the spring day. They playfully nudged each other and, as they waited for the crosswalk light to change, one rested a head on the other's shoulder. Their smiles shone brighter than the midday sun. I grinned watching them, although they seemed to have no idea of their effect. They were too caught up in each other to be aware of much else around them.

Did it matter that they weren't a boy-girl couple? Not to me. I didn't even really think about gender in that moment. I just watched these two blissfully happy souls connecting and thought, "I hope it lasts for them. The world needs more of that."

My Skin

2012-05-01T12:45:00.001-07:00

This song keeps coming up on the 10k Maniacs station on Pandora. It's beautiful. It's haunting. It's classic Natalie.

Natalie Merchant-My Skin - The best bloopers are a click away

Take a look at my body

Look at my hands

There's so much here

That I don't understand

Your face saving promises

Whispered like prayers

I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong

I've been treated so long

As if I'm becoming untouchable

Contempt loves the silence

It thrives in the dark

With fine winding tendrils

That strangle the heart

They say that promises

Sweeten the blow

But I don't need them

No, I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong

I've been treated so long

As if I'm becoming untouchable

I'm a slow dying flower

Frost killing hour

The sweet turning sour

And untouchable

Oh, I need

The darkness

The sweetness

The sadness

The weakness

Oh, I need this

I need

A lullaby

A kiss goodnight

Angel sweet

Love of my life

Oh, I need this

I'm a slow dying flower

Frost killing hour

The sweet turning sour

And untouchable

Do you remember the way

That you touched me before

All the trembling sweetness

I loved and adored?

Your face saving promises

Whispered like prayers

I don't need them

No, I don't need them

I need

The darkness

The sweetness

The sadness

The weakness

I need this

I need

A lullaby

A kiss goodnight

The angel sweet

Love of my life

Oh, I need this

Well, is it dark enough?

Can you see me?

Do you want me?

Can you reach me?

Or I'm leaving

You better shut your mouth

Hold your breath

Kiss me now you'll catch your death

Oh, I mean it

Oh, I need this.

Daniel Powter - Bad Day (Video)

2012-04-24T10:46:00.001-07:00

Where is the moment we needed the most

You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

They tell me your blue skies fade to grey

They tell me your passion's gone away

And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low

You're faking a smile with the coffee to go

You tell me your life's been way off line

You're falling to pieces everytime

And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day

You're taking one down

You sing a sad song just to turn it around

You say you don't know

You tell me don't lie

You work at a smile and you go for a ride

You had a bad day

The camera don't lie

You're coming back down and you really don't mind

You had a bad day

You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday

The point is they laugh at what you say

And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day

You're taking one down

You sing a sad song just to turn it around

You say you don't know

You tell me don't lie

You work at a smile and you go for a ride

You had a bad day

The camera don't lie

You're coming back down and you really don't mind

You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink

And the whole thing turns out wrong

You might not make it back and you know

That you could be well oh that strong

And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most

Oh you and I

You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day

You're taking one down

You sing a sad song just to turn it around

You say you don't know

You tell me don't lie

You work at a smile and you go for a ride

You had a bad day

You've seen what you like

And how does it feel for one more time

You had a bad day

You had a bad day

New look!

2012-04-23T08:27:00.003-07:00

I haven't been on Blogger in a while. I popped in this morning, and the whole look has changed! I'll have to think of something fabulous to write. Until then, I'll post a photo of the flowers some kind soul sent me this a.m. I honestly don't know who they're from, but whoever you are: thank you. I needed it.

Modern Poetry

2012-03-27T12:51:00.002-07:00

Listening to Pandora this afternoon, I was reminded once again what an amazing treasure Sara Bareilles is as a singer/songwriter.

If you get a chance, check her out.

This is one example:

Between The Lines
Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
These opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only I had been listening

I thought I thought I was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I've learned to listen through silence

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me I'm almost ready
When he meant let go

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines

Apparently, I'm out of the loop

2012-03-09T10:59:00.003-08:00

This morning, I received an e-mail from an administrative assistant for our department. She wanted to alert us that cards would be going around the building next week for people to sign regarding Joe Smith (not his real name, for purposes of anonymity and my job security). She said she knew that several people wanted to get cards for him, and so this would be a consolidation of efforts.

This e-mail went out to, seriously, hundreds of people.

Yet no one replied all to ask the question I certainly was asking:

Who is Joe Smith? And why are we giving him cards?

Generally, we give cards to people when they are sick, when someone they love has died, when they have a major surgery, when they have a baby, or when they are leaving the company.

Usually, when I'm in on an e-mail like that, I have some sort of inkling of who the person in question is and why we're fussing.

On this, I was clueless. Apparently so were many of my coworkers. Several of us turned to each other and said, "Joe Who?"

One person finally e-mailed the admin and fessed up that we were unaware of the situation. Turns out, Joe Smith is someone who works only occasionally with many of the people on the list and I certainly was not the only one who had no clue of his situation.

Joe Smith was just diagnosed with leukemia.

I feel bad. That stinks.

But I'm still not signing the card (and it's not just because I'm on vacation next week and won't get the opportunity). "Hi Joe. You don't know me. But, get well soon."

At least I actually work in the same building with him. I'm guessing the card info wasn't very helpful for employees who work in San Antonio or Austin or other remote locations. Surely there's a better way to distribute info, Ms. Admin.

Thought for the day

2012-02-28T08:22:00.000-08:00

Working hard for something we don't care about is called stress; working hard for something we love is called passion. --Simon Sinek

Nice

2012-02-22T09:31:00.000-08:00

For the first time since I started working at my job in 2008, I received something in interoffice mail today. A runner hand-delivered the bright blue envelope around 11:30. I thought, "Surely you must be mistaken. Who would be sending me anything?"

But there it was. Anticipation built as I unwound the string enclosure and opened the flap to find a smaller envelope inside. In bold cursive: Thank You. Complete with a smiley face.

It was a $10 gift card to a chain restaurant. You're thinking, 10 bucks to a chain restaurant...big deal.

It made my week.

Turns out it was a thank you from my manager, a small token of gratitude for my hard work and dedication on a project. I went above and beyond, and she acknowledged it. That gesture goes far beyond the wings and soda the card probably won't even cover. (I have since found out that a content specialist on my team actually suggested the award for "diligence and outstanding copyedit skills"...which makes me even more thrilled. Knowing my work helped another team member do her job more smoothly was another reward!)

I don't work hard and strive for high quality so someone will applaud. I do it because I don't know any other way; it's as automatic as breathing. I'm obsessive and nitpicky and perfectionistic. I want to do my best because I'd feel guilty and inadequate if I didn't.

But, wow, it's nice when someone notices.

End of Season

2012-02-17T14:35:00.001-08:00

We're wrapping up Henry's first short-course swim season. He didn't qualify for state, so he has limited practices this week and next, then a few weeks off before long-course begins. He had a terrific season. He grew as a swimmer, and his very last meet -- he came in 6th place in the 100 free! He even won his heat!

I think we're all tired of the constant demands of swimming -- practice, meets, volunteering, special events, and so on.

Tonight, it's taking every ounce of responsible Mom in me to get him there. I'd rather curl up on the couch. He'd rather watch tv or play computer or do just about anything but swim.

However, the guilt's got me. So we're on our way to Mercer Aquatic Center. He'll swim laps. I'll run the treadmill. And we'll stop for dinnertime treats on our way home.

My sore throat says "soup." Henry yelled, "Chocolate!"

He's in luck though. Girl Scout Cookies just came in.

So there's always the bad with the good.

Afternoon Playlist

2012-02-16T11:23:00.001-08:00

What I Am -- Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians
Closer to Fine -- Indigo Girls
Nightswimming -- R.E.M.
If No One Ever Marries Me -- Natalie Merchant
Don't Talk -- 10k Maniacs
The Story -- Brandi Carlile
The Lucky One -- Alison Krauss & Union Station
Turning Tables -- Adele
One of Those Days -- Joshua Radin
The Frug -- Rilo Kiley
Back 2 Good -- Matchbox 20
Because of You -- Kelly Clarkson

Quote for the day

2012-02-16T08:46:00.000-08:00

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'" -- C.S. Lewis

For all of you who hate this day...

2012-02-14T05:49:00.001-08:00

As I was driving to work this morning, I grabbed the first CD on the top of the stack, stuck it in, and got a good chuckle. I had opted for a CD instead of the radio, which was filled with sappy love songs and lame DJs doing their "what's the worst Valentine's Day gift you ever got" schtick.

This was the song that blared from my stereo. I thought it was sort of perfect for the wrong-side-of-the-bed mood I woke up in.

I apologize in advance for the naughty words and the irreverent take on the day. It's just one of those days...

"Break Stuff"
by Limp Biskit

It's just one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is f***ed
Everybody sux
You don't really know why
But you want to justify
Rippin' someone's head off
No human contact
And if you interact
Your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away motherf***er
It's just one of those days!!

It's all about the he says she says bullsh**
I think you better quit
Lettin' sh** slip
Or you'll be leavin with a fat lip
Its all about the he says she says bullsh**
I think you better quit talkin that sh**
(Punk, so come and get it)

It's just one of those days
Feelin' like a freight train
First one to complain
Leaves with a blood stain
Damn right I'm a maniac
You better watch your back
Cuz I'm f***in' up your program
And if you're stuck up
You just lucked up
Next in line to get f***ed up
Your best bet is to stay away motherf***er
It's just one of those days!!

I feel like sh**
My suggestion is to keep your distance cuz right now I'm dangerous
We've all felt like sh**
And been treated like sh**
All those motherf***ers that want to step up
I hope you know I pack a chain saw
I'll skin your a** raw
And if my day keeps goin' this way I just might break somethin' tonight...
I hope you know I pack a chain saw
I'll skin your a** raw
And if my day keeps goin' this way I just might break your f***in' face tonight!!
Give me somethin' to break
Give me somethin' to break
So come and get it

Gifts that make you go hmmm

2012-02-10T05:52:00.000-08:00

Listening to bad morning-drive radio this morning, I caught a bit of a story about "What was the worst Valentine's Day gift you ever received?" Completely contrived and extremely overdone, every year, since, oh, the beginning of time. But a couple of the callers made me chuckle. Such as:

-- The woman whose boyfried gave her an electric toothbrush. It was a really expensive toothbrush, the man exclaimed. It was a toothbrush, the woman reiterated. Either you think I have bad breath or oral hygiene habits. Or you're just romantically clueless. And imagine how many beautiful roses (or lilies or orchids) that money would have bought...

-- Actually, there were many "My boyfriend got me a _____________" ... fill in the blank with the name of an appliance. Toaster. Treadmill. Bathroom scale. Can opener.

-- The woman whose boyfriend gave her an Alice Walker book. She loved Alice Walker. Favorite author. But the book was about...female genital mutilation.

-- Groceries. (And then he expected me to cook him dinner, she added.)

So what do you want for Valentine's Day?

Insomnia

2012-02-09T09:11:00.000-08:00

Green glow in blackness
10:30
Eyes shut tight become a canvas for conversation,
repeated
rearranged
reinvented
11:45
Images of next day, next week, next month
Flutter like flip-book pages.
End.
Begin again.
12:18
Toss. Turn. Fists grip tangled cotton sheets.
Push a wandering mind
Deeper into the pillows
12:57
What could I be doing.
If I weren't here.
1:06
Staring into the dark.
Green glow silently screaming.

That Sam Clements was something...

2012-02-09T06:01:00.000-08:00

Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.
-- Mark Twain

In prep for Valentine's Day...

2012-02-08T12:15:00.001-08:00

Pondering

2012-02-08T06:54:00.000-08:00

Are things destined? Or do they just happen randomly?

"Well, look who I ran into," crowed Coincidence.
"Please," flirted Fate, "this was meant to be."

Of COURSE it is

2012-02-07T10:08:00.001-08:00

Hey, haters.

Guess what?

Love wins.

The Court of Appeals has just ruled that Prop 8, California's voter-approved ban on same-sex marriage, is UNCONSTITUTIONAL!

That means the U.S. Supreme Court could decide in the next year or so whether gays and lesbians nationwide have the right to marry.

In the meantime, Iowa's ahead of the curve. And we have the perfect spot for a ceremony: UUSIC!

Truth

2012-02-06T10:31:00.000-08:00

I hit repeat. Again. And again. And again.

2012-02-04T19:32:00.000-08:00

I'm surprised my iPod doesn't get stuck playing only this song after I replay it again and again.
Kate Voegele -- Forever and Almost Always

Date-Night Update

2012-02-04T18:25:00.000-08:00

We have a sitter!!!!

Let the ticket buying commence.

I won't believe it until my butt's in the seat at the theater and the lights go down. But I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll be out and about the evening of Feb. 16.

I can't guarantee I'll be wide awake at work the next day.